New and Horrifying CJD Epidemic

Greetings, Internet disciples,

Those of you who have read some of my previous blogs at the old Waste of Space will be aware of the terrible disease spreading through towns near you. CJD, as it is known - an abbreviation of Cornershop Jackass Disease - has flared up again, and will be infecting grocery stores and supermarkets in your area very, very soon.

The disease is caused by tiny parasites afflicting the head of the sufferer, transmitted from person to person by close physical contact. The parasites burrow into the sufferer's cranium and attack the brain, particularly enjoying the areas affecting higher motor functions, balance and IQ. The condition is not fatal, although it can lead to sufferers becoming very unpopular with the proprietors of local shops. For reasons unknown to science, the parasites appear only to be active when the sufferer is inside a shop purchasing food or other essential items.

Please remember that CJD is highly contagious and members of the public should be very wary of individuals in corner shops, grocery stores and supermarkets suffering from the following symptoms:

• Disorientation (e.g. an inability to find the eggs, despite the fact that they are where they've always been.)
• Confusion (e.g. mixing up names of fairly different products, such as "honey" and "onions".
• Poor motor skills (e.g. an inability to negotiate displays of tin cans.)
• Dulled mental capacity (e.g. counting out money for twenty minutes before realising it's the wrong currency.)
• Slurred speech (e.g. incomprehensible garbage about beetroot.

Sufferers may exhibit some or all of these symptoms. There is, sadly, no cure for CJD, although upon leaving the store the symptoms are often alleviated immediately; however, relapses will occur as soon as the store is re-entered.

Sufferers will often be seen approaching members of staff for assistance. Often a smile and a helpful pointing in the right direction will be sufficient to deter them from infecting staff, but occasionally the symptoms are so marked that sufferers need to be physically directed to the correct place. In the unlikely but possible event that one must actually make physical contact with a sufferer, scrub the infected area immediately with bleach and a Brillo pad. It'll probably dissolve much of the infected area, but the parasites that cause the disease cannot work in conditions of extreme alkalinity such as those found in bleach. (It is believed, although not empirically proven, that the parasites denature similarly in acidic conditions: if you find yourself without access to bleach, replace with hydrochloric or hydrofluoric acid.)

Given the nature of the disease to flare up in grocery stores, retail staff in these positions are particularly vulnerable to the disease. The best method of prevention is to avoid customers at all costs, although given the high-risk nature of the job this is sometimes impossible. In this case, there are three golden rules that, if followed, will usually prevent the contraction of CJD.

1. NEVER touch another member of the public who may be suffering from CJD.
2. If a sufferer (or suspected sufferer) asks you for assistance, never look them directly in the eyes, do not approach them too closely and try very hard not to breathe.
3. When speaking to sufferers, direct them as far away from you as possible (regardless of whether the product they are looking for is right next to them.

Cornershop Jackass Disease is, in conclusion, one of the most dangerous afflictions affecting our society today. Please be extremelt vigilant next time you visit your local store, and remember - that dear old man shuffling around with a confused look on his face may be suffering from more than just senility.

Revolutionary and grave regards,

Red Andy