The Waste of Space Awards: February

Greetings, Internet travellers,

Awards season may be almost over in that near-hellish land of Hollywood, but here at the Waste of Space we have the wonderful benefit of an awards season that lasts for the whole year. So, without further ado, let us look at the Honourable Mentions for the Waste of Space Award for the month of February:

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

RUPERT MURDOCH AND HIS DISGUSTING GLOBAL MEDIA EMPIRE

No, it's not a poorly-named Motown act, however appealing that possibility may (not) be. This month Murdoch's daily rags (sorry - newspapers) such as The Scum, The Daily Wail, The Daily Scum, The Scummy Wail, The Wailing Scum and The What-the-Heckspress have been publishing "news" (in the loosest possible sense of the term) about the impending deportation of Britain's own Prince Harry (who himself only just missed out on an Honourable Mention this month) to a battlefield somewhere in Iraq. The popular consensus seems to be that poor Harry will only be a target for foreign detergents (sic). The Waste of Space asks: if the media is so concerned for his safety, why are they telling us all where he's going to be? Perhaps some corporate responsibility would be nice - if that isn't too much of an oxymoron for you.

THE BRITISH TRANSPORT NETWORK

It may not have escaped your attention this month that a light dusting of snow accidentally ground the British transport network to a halt this month. This was terribly embarrassing for all sides, particularly as some Swedish tourists were overheard saying "Ha ha ha ha look at the useless British and their useless transport network," observing the fact that they are regularly blighted by large blizzards and don't do so much as bat an eyelid. However, in Britain - unsurprisingly for a country founded on the Protestant work ethic - any excuse will be taken for a day off, and a small amount of snow on a railway line is as good an excuse as any.

THE COUNTRYSIDE ALLIANCE

Observing a magazine published by the top echelons of the SPAR Corporation, it was duly noted that the Countryside Alliance - perhaps Britain's most odious pressure group, filled as it is with toffee-nosed inner-city businessmen who wish for the countryside to remain full of uneducated yokels entirely unlike themselves - rose to new levels of incompetence this month when they awarded a SPAR store somewhere in Wales with an Award for Excellence or something, purely on the basis that they stocked partridge (a delightfully rare delicacy that toffee-nosed inner-city businessmen enjoy shooting for something they call "sport," which is roughly analogous in standard English to "mindless violence"). The Waste of Space spits on the Countryside Alliance. Literally.

THE SPAR CORPORATION

The final Honourable Mention goes to the aforementioned SPAR Corporation, for actually being proud of the Award for Excellence they received.

As idiotic and incompetent all these entities may be, they are no match for this month's Waste of Space Award winner. So, let us point and laugh at the second-ever recipients of the Waste of Space Award:

THE WINNER:

THE WELSH NATIONAL RUGBY TEAM

The Waste of Space has observed with delight this month the plight of the Welsh rugby union team this month, as they have staggered to never-before-seen heights of inadequacy in the face of opposition from some of the other Six Nations teams. Although I was fortunate enough to see Wales' last victory, at the Millennium Stadium against Canada, it appears that Wales are faltering under the pressure of competition from good teams. Although it would be a tragic instance if Wales were to win the Wooden Spoon this year, the Waste of Space would be observed to laugh long and loud. Good luck, boyos - you'll need it.

Welsh rugby team with ball: a rare occurrence in this year's Six Nations.

Unfortunately that's all we've got time for in this month's Waste of Space Awards, so let's all say congratulations to our Honourable Mentions and our winner, and wish everybody a thoroughly idiotic month of March.

Revolutionary and incompetent regards,

Red Andy