Idea of the Week: #2

Another week rolls around and another brilliant idea has entered my head. Again, this one was born from a conversation on a bus with Lloydy; and again, he has failed to recognise its sheer brilliance. This is, however, a good thing, as it means that the idea is mine by default.

CANALS

We see on the news more or less every day about the impending dangers of climate change. Whether it's George Monbiot whining in The Observer about how motorsport will kill us all, or Dr. Graham Plankton of Friends of the Planet explaining on ITV4 that driving to work every morning destroys an area of rainforest the size of Norfolk, or the cardigan-wearing fruitarians picketing a moderately-sized semiconductor factory in Shanghai on the basis that "it's killing the planet, man," the issue of global warming is upon us. The polar ice caps are melting at an alarming rate, which will cause widespread animal and plant extinctions, flood every coastal area on the planet, and, most drastically, cause all those beard-wearing liberals to turn around and say "I told you so" in that irritating nasal way of theirs. In short, climate change is a problem that has to be tackled.

This is why I am proposing a solution so brilliantly simple - and simply brilliant - that only one country has to take it up before everyone else will recognise the error of their ways and quickly follow suit. I'm talking about canals.

By replacing Britain's extensive road network with a system of canals, we will kill many, many birds with just a single stone. We will cut our carbon emissions drastically, as the planet-destroying waste gases emitted from cars will no longer be a problem - everyone knows that boats (particularly those driven by wind) are far less polluting than road vehicles. We will cut congestion on the way to work, as private transport will become a thing of the past given the massive expense of buying and maintaining a boat. Instead, everyone will catch the regular "Waterbus" services which will be efficient, consistently on time and definitely not run by First (who everyone knows are a bunch of incompetent cretins).

Moreover, a system of canals will be better for everyone's health. By getting rid of roads, we also get rid of one of the principal causes of road rage. Those who usually suffer from road rage will be less stressed, and those who get in their way will find themselves rolling down an embankment after a friendly "nudge" far less often than previously. Not only that, but if the idiots who do cause so much stress and anxiety on our roads (such as the moron who decides to change lanes outside the RNIB in Worcester every morning - you know who you are) can easily be dealt with when they are assisted off the "Waterbus" and into the canal.

There is one final environmental benefit to replacing our roads with canals. By doing so, we will provide many, many channels in which our ocean water can flow. As a result, global sea levels will drop, giving us a little bit of extra leverage should global warming continue for a bit longer.

In short, the replacement of Britain's roads with canals is possibly the best idea since - well, last week's Idea of the Week. If you can think of anything even better, drop me a line.

Revolutionary and environmentally friendly regards,

Red Andy