For those of you who were unaware of this fact, I am in actuality a college student looking to continue my education for as long as possible, by spending as much of the Worcestershire LEA's money as possible in the form of a three or four-year trip to university. Clearly the decision of where to blow so much taxpayer's money is a very important one, and it was with the hope of making this decision that I went along to an Open Day at Royal Holloway, University of London today.
Royal Holloway, according to Tom, our extremely enthusiastic and definitely not dull tour guide, was opened in the 19th century by an extremely wealthy man - who, taking a wild stab in the dark, I believe may have been called Mr. Holloway - who was looking for a quick way to spend £250 million that he had earned selling chalk-based placebos as life-changing medicines to impressionable, poor people (GlaxoSmithKline, take note). This endeared me to the university straight away - I have always admired people who have succeeded in getting through life by talking bollocks.
This may explain my admiration for the Germans - deceit is ingrained so far into their society that they even have a word for it, "quatschen," which roughly means "to talk rubbish." From this stem the exclamations "Quatsch!" (Rubbish!) and "Vollquatsch!" (Bollocks!). But I have digressed from my main subject, which was the university I visited.
Royal Holloway is so unique it is difficult to describe. Imagine a collection of buildings of varying ages - most of which are horrendously ugly - and compress it into an area approximately a third of the size you've just been imagining. Then place a grand-looking Victorian building based on a French chateau in roughly the centre, and you're somewhere near what it looks like. But not quite.
One feature of the day was an "informal interview" designed for us to have a one-on-one chat with a member of staff to learn more about the university and for them to learn why on earth we wanted to study there. Some current students asked me who was interviewing me. When I told them who he was, a "Dr. Lopez," they all rolled their eyes, sighed and said: "I hope he doesn't keep you too long."
I had no idea what to expect, except perhaps that Dr. Lopez had somehow gained something of a reputation for being a little long-winded and prone to digressions. I had this strange feeling we would get on just fine.
When I arrived in Dr. Lopez's office, he ushered me into a chair. "Don't worry," he said almost immediately. "This is just a chat: I'm not going to ask you to draw the structure of ATP, or anything!"
"Good," I said, with more than a little relief. The only thing I know about ATP is that it features in the world's funniest biochemistry joke (in fact, the world's only biochemistry joke. Which explains why it's "the world's funniest" when it's not actually very funny. At all.)
Before I had been given time to contemplate my surroundings, Dr. Lopez was on his feet, drawing the structure of ATP on the whiteboard next to his door. He then went on to explain about how this related to his current research in plant biochemistry and how he had managed to collaborate with a geologist who was working just across the road, despite the somewhat obvious difficulty in biology and geology being quite different subjects.
Eventually we got around to talking about me, and I even got the chance to ask him a couple of questions about how the university worked. But not before I had been fully acquainted with what could be the world's most batshit insane university lecturer.
Although, that said, he's up against some tough competition.
Revolutionary and academic regards,
Red Andy
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